Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Rovepocalypse Now.

I tend to take following/friending folks on Twitter a little more seriously and selectively than I do on Facebook (where, like, anyone I could have ever possibly met allowed in to be privy to tasty, juicy, personal fact-gossip I dreamed of Indigo Girls songs last night. What, you got a problem with "Least Complicated"?) or Livejournal (on which the migration away from, like birds from...something that birds migrate away from rapidly, and demise of, I fully intend on writing about at some point). Mostly that's because with every social network I invest myself in I tend to censor myself a little less, to the point where I can pretty much assure everyone that whatever comes three steps after Twitter will find me basically screaming drunken obscenities about how fucking awful The Catcher In The Rye is and how Salinger can bite me, yes, bite me, if he genuinely thinks that I couldn't capture the essence of teenage angst better than he and that, in fact, his fucking face is the fucking problem, is what it is.

So that's why when Jill told me that the Dark Lord of the Bush administration himself, Karl Rove, has a Twitter account that basically seems pretty much authentic, I had to add him.

This has nothing to do with the fact that I will add any celebrity who maintains their own Twitter feed (see: the brilliant, zen-koan awesome nuggets, which are like McNuggets only with more real meat, that are Shaquille O'Neal's Twitter updates).Or maybe it does. Or maybe I'm just a fan of Rove's now-legendary rap skills (which, debatably, just may surpass Shaq's. Don't tell Shaq I said that).

Also, like many sick, twisted, masochistic Americans, I've been morbidly obsessed with the inner workings of the Bush administration for quite some time now.

(Before I go off on the evils of Bu$h,a brief detour into little-known facts about me , volume XIVVV: I was raised a flag-waving, card-carrying Rush Limbaugh fanatic, and actually called into his show several times to applaud his use of the word "feminazi" and his detraction of the damn "bleeding heart liberals". I was like ten, I had no idea what he was saying and was basically mouthing "mega-dittos" phonetically because it made my Grandfather proud. I can't decide which is worse, that period in my life or the time I was a Parrothead.)

Upon being pointed to Rove's Tweets, which sounds like the worst and most-poisoned-ever-with-the-blood-of-trees candy shoppe ever to exist, I immediately posted a little something and began following Rove. The next morning, I had a flock, a gaggle, a bevvy, a what-do-you-call-a-massive-grouping-of Conservative Twitter Pundits who had suddenly added me. I could understand that, and can now even more after spending the day yesterday watching Fox News' snarky, jilted-lover coverage of the inauguration of President Obama (damn that feels good to type). Sample quip: "we're hoping to get a cameraman over to that route soon. Since hope is all that's required these days."

What I don't understand is what I woke up to this morning, in my gmail inbox:

OH. MY. GOD. Like Rockwell said, somebody's watching me. And that somebody is Karl Effing Rove.

A sure sign of the apocalypse, or just an indication that, um...crap, I really don't know. I can assure you that if, as of this moment, I fall off the face of the earth, Rove, having begun his plan to monitor my every move so as to re-indoctrinate me into the First Church Of Latter-Day Limbaugh (my thoughts: the term "feminazi"? No thanks, especially not with my minor in gender theory. The painkillers? YES PLEASE!) will tie me up in a secret lair somewhere underneath a waterfall and force me to listen to those god-awful offensive song parodies from Rush's program, or Klaus Nomi, ohwaitsamething, so watch the skies: if I get in trouble I'll shine the Rachel Maddow symbol in the air.

There really should be a Maddow hand-signal, akin to Jay-Z's "Rock-a-fella" sign, so that one could, feasibly, "throw they Maddows in tha sky". And then Rachel Maddow can best MC Rove in a rap-battle and finally put out an album with Jean Grae and then they'll tour as Maddow-Grae and then...and then...and then...

Whoops. I think I just wrote Politi-Hop fan-fiction.

Let me also note that, in a tweet-vs-tweet contest, Maddow wins hands-down. Her commentary on the inauguration? All it needed to be. Two words. Short, simple, poetically stated and brilliant, a majestic summary of all that America as a country has come through over the past 8 years and the sweeping changes needed by Barack Obama to turn it all around, encapsulating the hope, tears and emotions of all Americans united for a moment as one:

"Holy mackerel!"

You couldn't have said it better yourself.

As a minor foot-note, I'd like to encourage everyone to check out Jill's downloadable Jock-Jams compilation, just because it's both awesome and has nothing at all to do with the republican party or Rush Limbaugh.

No comments: